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Ze German
'on the bench'
United Kingdom
328 Posts |
 Posted - 03 September 2007 : 16:46:29
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Match Report: Meisters v All Spartans
Now then Chaps, it’s the start of the new term. Settle down and get to your desks. Sheriff & Jesus stop playing and put your toy cars away. Nelly, don’t do that to Dave. Gandolfo, Brini, Wisey & Pange - Detention tomorrow, you’re late. Booya, that fake-tan will streak in the rain. I can smell tobacco, Walton. Ah Reuben, nice to see you’re off the crutches. Freddie & Davy, don’t stare at the new boy. Where’s I’Anson? He’s still absent?? Caravanning again, I see. Flower, put the laptop away – Spreadsheets are not needed as you can tell from the elbow pads on my tweed jacket, the first lesson is History.
Ancient Greek History to be precise, the Battle of Thermopylae. (Flower, That’s Ther-Mop-alley, NOT Thermo-Piley) As you all know, two and a half thousand years ago, the legend of the 300 Spartans, who fought off King Xerxes Army of 3 Million, has strong resonances with modern day journalistic propaganda. Point one, they all died, so it was resounding a defeat and was the initial crumbling of the Greek empire. Is there an alternate version telling the great military genius of Xerxes? Nope. Point Two, There were actually 7,000 Greeks who fought - Arcadians, Corinthians, Maniteans, Mycenaens etc – but history chooses to remember only 300 Spartans. Much like Headline News reported Death tolls in order of importance (eg; “A plane crashed into an apartment block in Mombasa today, 1 Britain and 2 Americans died…. Rescuers are still searching for 5,000 Asians and or Africans.”) Point Three, King Xerxes and his army were from Persia (Iraq / Iran) and are roundly demonised (Frank Miller’s excellent, but not subtle film ‘300’, portray them as hideous mutants.)
Now, you’ll never catch me overstating our events, ignoring facts or presenting the opposition in an ill light…. Which brings me neatly to The Magnificent Meisters v Mansfield ‘All Spartans’… The day didn’t start well. Flower had 25 players to pick from, only 18 showed up. The Meisters source of pride, THE KIT - the equivalent of Samson’s Flowing-Dandruff-Free-Locks – has been stolen over summer, leaving us yet again with the club cast off’s. Then to cap it all, we make our way to Mansfield only to find that Reuben had the kit & the ball in his van, but had mistaken Mansfield for Bridlington. We were dangerously close to playing in skins.
The game kicked off, All Spartans proving they had a useful pack and pushed upfield. No sooner had the ball left the pack and reached their number 10, it became obvious where the kink in the armour was. A dropped ball under no pressure allowed the Meisters camped on their 5m line to take the ball back down the considerably sloping pitch. New Boy Kelvin showing off his tenacity and speed. However, lack of support left him exposed and Spartans got back in the game. Their break came 15 minutes in when the pack won a try. Unconverted through the shortest set of posts I have ever seen… the world market shortage of Steel hits Mansfield worse. The Meisters hit back, first with a disallowed try from Braddow who had a lovely break through 3 players only to be judged to have his boot lace touching the line. Then a nice move from Louis “I can play anywhere me” Gandolfo switching sides to be finished off by Kelvin. Expertly converted by Dancing Dave. 7 – 5
Soon after, Dangerman Kelvin got nailed in a ruck and a badly twisted knee took him off for the rest of the game. The end of the first half The Meisters felt rusty but robbed. The second half didn’t start well. The Spartan pack impressively pushed the Meisters from the halfway line to put one down and converted it. 12 – 7. Something needed to change and up stepped the brilliant exponent of Ancient Greek Warfare - Captain Flower. He knew the secret of Thermo-Piley was the narrow straights that forced the Persian hordes to fight one-on-one. He knew the only way to defeat the Spartan pack was to render it useless. After kicking Nelly in the shoulder, Flower sent him off and declared Uncontested Scrums – Genius. However, nobody gave The Ref the script and he decided to make his own up (along with a few rules) expertly calling Louis back for no advantage when he was one-on-one. Dawes took the ball into a maul that rolled over the line but was called back for a defensive scrum. There was some great defence alongside awful handling from the Backs, The Forwards fought well but didn’t support each other. The game ended in defeat 12 – 7.
Disappointingly, when we got back, every Derby side had lost their first game.
There’s a piece of Legend on the wall at Haslam’s that tells of the 1983-84 Derby 1st Team record of 30 league wins in a season. This is what Legends are for, to inspire you on to greatness. Being of the generation that is sick of hearing about England in 1966, I find myself increasingly proud of England in 2003 – I suppose you just had to be there – but resting on your laurels won’t get you anywhere. The Meisters had an awesome season last year, but now we find ourselves starting from scratch…. It’s all Greek to me. Class Dismissed.
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Match Vs All Spartans
